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I know it's not race related but it's pretty darn funny.........................................................
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no> hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
> relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
> those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
> They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
> It
> takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
> Park .
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
> visiting
> from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
> selected as
> a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
> the
> last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
> asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came
> in. I
> was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
> free
> beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get
> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
> from
> all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
> maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman
> is
> starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
> and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
> needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
> my
> lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
> stop
> screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
> it
> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
> with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
> of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili,
> which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
> match
> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
> I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through
> the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot chili?
> Judge # 3 - No Report
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